Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
