dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
