I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
This is the high leading the old right now
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
