drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
