Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
