there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
