why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
