things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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