just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I deserve this hangover.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
