I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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