Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
