I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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