I am puke
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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