I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Less talking, more tequila
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
