so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
