I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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