Life is so much better after having sex.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
