for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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