I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
