I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize