i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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