I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
