i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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