I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
