I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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