Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
