What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
