I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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