His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
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I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
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It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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