Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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