My Higher Power is John Stamos
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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