I wish I only lived at night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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