tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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