I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
