Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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