Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
