Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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