FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I have post one night stand depression
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