DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
