Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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