hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
