I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
