I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
