Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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