yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
