Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
