doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
