you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
