i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Everclear isn't food dammit
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
