i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
