You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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