bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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