Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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