hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
