theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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