the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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